This is a hard topic for me. I think it should be something so easy and yet for me it’s not. I felt compelled to write something about this, as for me it follows on to self love. Yet getting the words to flow, the ideas to formulate and work cohesively has been extremely challenging. I got to a place where I could not do what I was wanting to write about and that sent me into a downward spiral of “I can’t write this because I can’t do it perfectly. I have not mastered this. I am incomplete, I am a half done piece of art. I feel like a fraud. etc., etc…”
So I needed to practice some self love first, not push myself but rather stop, acknowledge where I was at and what I was feeling. Then message Loretta to say this is not working so please don’t expect a blog today and go to bed. Today I’m feeling apprehensive but will do the best I can without abusing myself, I will work with the slowest part of me until that feels safe to do this and if that’s not today, then I will try again tomorrow.
Finding SoulPainting (Intuitive Creating / Art) in the early 2010’s was the start of working consciously with my intuition and the soul part of me that knows what is best for me. Thereafter I used that connection as an internal GPS to find my way when driving, to see what foods or vitamins would work best for me, to make certain decisions, to continue creating, etc. but when it came to the bigger stuff I would default to my mind. I’m not a very self disciplined person, it’s not something I did on a daily basis, so it took time to strengthen the muscle of it and I slowly started to use it for the bigger issues in my life. I am challenged by trauma responses to be able to use it in the moment if triggered but if I have the time and space or can excuse myself to go to a quiet spot I can access it more often. The more I used my intuition the more I got to trust it and go with it.
I used the way the intuitive art had taught me of feeling the yes and no in my body. Through the energy healing modalities I had learned to use a pendulum and do muscle testing in various forms. So I used those methods too, yet it was still something separate to me somehow. I handed over my power to the God of my understanding or my Higher Self, something outside of me. Someone/thing knew better than I did. I do that a lot in my life. I don’t believe that I have the answers or can do things very well, someone else always knows more than me or can do it better than me. So for the most part I’m hiding out, not trusting myself, keeping safe by staying small unless I’m pushed into something, or directed by my intuition, or someone else tells me I can, they reassure me that I have what it takes,
After reading Lissa Rankin, MD’s blog post recently around ego strength in The Trauma Of Self-Neglect (& Why Good Therapy Helps!) I came to realise that I do that with people too. When I think that someone is more knowledgeable / spiritual / capable than I am, I hand over my power to them. I have to watch that I don’t take over when others do the same to me.
When I became aware of this I started to play with what that feeling inside my body is when I am fully present here in 3D, on earth and then when I am connected to my Higher Power. I have started to feel in my body when I am aligned to Source, part of the stream of consciousness, and present on earth in this moment, which is a pretty awesome feeling. As well as where I am with other people, especially those I am afraid of or admire greatly – in my awesome centre spot or handed over or hiding out.
I don’t find it easy to stay in my centre, to stay connected and part of it all. Though my default mode is slowly being turned from being externally focused to more internally focused. I’m starting to rather question inside here first than believing the answer lies out there in someone or something else.
Using my own “channel” is still very much in the practice zone and sometimes not even in the awareness zone 😉 but I will keep on practising. I will keep on taking it day by day however that looks and coming back to it when I stray away, as I can’t imagine my life now without using my intuition. It’s become such an integral part of everything and this is the next step on that path.